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1. “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.” ― Albert Einstein
2. “So many books, so little time.” ― Frank Zappa
3. “You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough” ― Mae West
4. “Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.” ― Narcotics Anonymous
5. “The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.” ― Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey
6. “Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.” ― Groucho Marx, The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx
7. “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” ― Steve Martin
8. “Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.” - Mark Twain
9. “I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.” ― Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt
10. “Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.” ― Garrison Keillor
11. “Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.” ― Robert A. Heinlein
12. “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.” ― Charles M. Schulz
13. “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.” ― Jim Henson
14. “I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.” ― Woody Allen
15. “Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.” ― Paul Terry
16. “I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” ― Groucho Marx
17. “Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.” ― Charles Bukowski
18. “The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it” ― Terry Pratchett, Diggers
19. “Reality continues to ruin my life.” ― Bill Watterson, The Complete Calvin and Hobbes
20. “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” ― George Carlin
21. “Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.” ― Benjamin Franklin Wade
22. “I love mankind ... it's people I can't stand!!” ― Charles M. Schulz
23. “I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ” ― W.C. Fields
24. “Remember, we're madly in love, so it's all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.” ― Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games
25. “A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” ― Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice
26. “It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.” ― Lewis Carroll
27. “Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.” ― Charles J. Sykes, Dumbing Down Our Kids: Why American Children Feel Good About Themselves But Can't Read, Write or Add
28. “Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you'll die of a misprint.” ― Markus Herz
29. “Have you ever noticed how ‘What the hell’ is always the right decision to make?” ― Terry Johnson, Insignificance
30. “Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like.” ― Lemony Snicket
31. “Creativity is knowing how to hide your sources” - C.E.M. Joad
32. “The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you.” ― Rita Mae Brown
33. “Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.” ― Terry Pratchett, Jingo
34. “All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.” ― Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters
35. “This life’s hard, but it’s harder if you’re stupid.” ― George V. Higgins, The Friends of Eddie Coyle
36. “Never memorize something that you can look up.” ― Albert Einstein
37. “He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo.” ― J.K. Rowling,
38. “When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.” ― Albert Einstein
39. “There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.” ― Oscar Levant
40. “Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.” ― Thomas Szasz
41. “The planet is fine. The people are fucked.” ― George Carlin
42. “If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”― Laurence J. Peter
43. “I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” ― Jerome K. Jerome
44. “I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” ― Mark Twain
45. “Where is human nature so weak as in the bookstore?” ― Henry Ward Beecherr
46. “If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.” ― W.C. Fields
47. “Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.” ― Isaac Asimov, Foundation
48. “I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.” ― Mae West
49. “I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.” ― Mark Twain
50. “Happiness is a warm puppy.” ― Charles M. Schulz
51. “Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.” ― Dr. Seuss
52. “I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.” ― Woody Allen
53. “It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.” ― Terry Pratchett, The Last Continent
54. “I have great faith in fools - self-confidence my friends will call it.” ― Edgar Allan Poe, Marginalia
55. “Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.” ― Terry Pratchett
56. “I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.” ― Oscar Wilde
57. “Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.” ― Anthony G. Oettinger
58. “Deadlines just aren't real to me until I'm staring one in the face.” ― Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief
59. “My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.” ― Winston S. Churchill
60. “I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.” ― Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest
61. “My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.” ― Winston S. Churchill
62. “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” ― George Burns
63. “There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.” ― Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol
64. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” ― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
65. “Some people have lives; some people have music.” ― John Green, Will Grayson, Will Grayson
66. “Tell the truth, or someone will tell it for you.” ― Stephanie Klein, Straight Up and Dirty
67. “I suppose I'll have to add the force of gravity to my list of enemies.” ― Lemony Snicket, The Penultimate Peril
68. “Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!” ― Dr. Seuss
69. “Only a true best friend can protect you from your immortal enemies.” ― Richelle Mead, Vampire Academy
70. “I’d said it before and meant it: Alive or undead, the love of my life was a badass.”
― Richelle Mead, Blood Promise
71. “Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.” ― Steven Wright
72. “What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.” ― Mark Twain
73. “Basically, I have two speeds.... Hostile or smart-aleck. Your choice.” ― James Patterson, Saving the World and Other Extreme Sports
74. “Don't Panic.” ― Douglas Adams
75. “History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.” ― Winston S. Churchill
76. “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.” ― George Carlin
77. “Do your thing and don't care if they like it.” ― Tina Fey, Bossypants
78. “It is a great thing to start life with a small number of really good books which are your very own.” ― Arthur Conan Doyle
79. “Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.” ― Terry Pratchett, Small Gods
80. “Oh well... I'd just been thinking, if you had died, you'd have been welcome to share my toilet.” ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
81. “Say 'provoking' again. Your mouth looks provocative when you do.” ― Becca Fitzpatrick, Hush, Hush
82. “Don't feel bad, I'm usually about to die.” ― Rick Riordan, The Battle of the Labyrinth
83. “If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave.” ― Mo Willems, Goldilocks and the Three Dinosaurs
84. “I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.” ― Arthur C. Clarke
85. “I love you like a fat kid loves cake!” ― Scott Adams
86. “You here to finish me off, Sweetheart?” ― Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games
87. “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” ― George Carlin
88. “The meek may inherit the earth, but at the moment it belongs to the conceited. Like me.” ― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones
89. “Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.” ― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
90. “It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets.” ― Voltaire
91. “Some people say, “Never let them see you cry.” I say, if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone.” ― Tina Fey, Bossypants
92. “Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice.” ― Bill Watterson
93. “I'm tough, I'm ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay.” ― Madonna
94. “From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.” ― Groucho Marx
95. “Of all the trees we could've hit, we had to get one that hits back.” ― J.K. Rowling
96. “The capacity for friendship is God's way of apologizing for our families.” ― Jay McInerney, The Last of the Savages
97. “Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” ― Will Rogers
98. “Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?” ― Douglas Adams
99. “Every now and then I like to do as I'm told, just to confuse people.” ― Tamora Pierce, Melting Stones
100. “Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.” ― Dorothy Parker
101. “Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.” ― Dr. Seuss
102. “May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.” ― George Carlin
103. “The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.” ― Bette Midler
104. “Yes, frosting. The final defense of the dying.” ― Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games
105. “There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.” ― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray
106. “Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom.” ― Terry Pratchett
107. “In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.” ― Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies
108. “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.” ― George Carlin
109. “Confidence is ignorance. If you're feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know.” ― Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl
110. “Beautiful face. Beautiful body. Horrible attitude. It was the holy trinity of hot boys.” ― Jennifer L. Armentrout, Obsidian
111. “What's the good of living if you don't try a few things?” ― Charles M. Schulz
112. “If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.” ― Dorothy Parker
113. “From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere!” ― Dr. Seuss
114. “I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.” ― Mae West
115. “You're an idiot." "I've never claimed to be otherwise.” ― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones
116. “Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.” ― Robert Frost
117. “Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.” ― George Bernard Shaw
118. “Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch.” ― Orson Welles
119. “I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.” ― Oscar Wilde
120. “A diary with no drawings of me in it? Where are the torrid fantasies? The romance covers?” ― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones
121. “I meant what I said and I said what I meant. An elephant's faithful one-hundred percent!” ― Dr. Seuss, Horton Hatches the Egg
122. “The longer and more carefully we look at a funny story, the sadder it becomes.” ― Nikolai V. Gogol
123. “Black holes are where God divided by zero.” ― Albert Einstein
124. “It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.” ― Rick Riordan, The Last Olympian
125. “Some people have a way with words, and other people...oh, uh, not have way.” ― Steve Martin
126. “A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.” ― Phyllis Diller
127. “My rapier wit hides my inner pain.” ― Cassandra Clare
128. “I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.” ― Mark Twain
129. “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” ― Charles Lamb
130. “Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with.” ― Candace Bushnell, Sex and the City
131. “Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.” ― Woody Allen
132. “It crosses my mind that Cinna's calm and normal demeanor masks a complete madman.” ― Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games
133. “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?” ― George Carlin
134. “People, generally, suck.” ― Christopher Moore
135. “See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” ― Robin Williams
136. “If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster.” ― Isaac Asimov
137. “I figured something out. The future is unpredictable.” ― John Green
138. “All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure. ” ― Mark Twain
139. “If you love something set it free, but don't be surprised if it comes back with herpes.”― Chuck Palahniuk
140. “I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.” ― Mae West
141. “I know all those words, but that sentence makes no sense to me.” ― Matt Groening
142. “It's like learning to ride a unicorn. You never forget.” ― Eoin Colfer
143. “Puns are the highest form of literature.” ― Alfred Hitchcock
144. “Write what you know. That should leave you with a lot of free time.” ― Howard Nemerov
145. “The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.” ― Groucho Marx
146. “The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.” ― H.L. Mencken
147. “There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends.” ― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar
148. “Meow” means “woof” in cat.” ― George Carlin
149. “I like men who have a future and women who have a past.” ― Oscar Wilde
150. “The world is a stage and the play is badly cast.” ― Oscar Wilde
151. “Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.” ― George Carlin
152. “As long as there was coffee in the world, how bad could things be?” ― Cassandra Clare
153. “They slipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never recovered.” ― F. Scott Fitzgerald
154. “As long as we don't die, this is gonna be one hell of a story.” ― John Green, Paper Towns
155. “Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.” ― Robert Benchley
156. “That wasn't any act of God. That was an act of pure human fuckery.” ― Stephen King, The Stand
157. “People have an annoying habit of remembering things they shouldn't.” ― Christopher Paolini, Eragon
158. “You live but once; you might as well be amusing.” ― Coco Chanel
159. “A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.” ― Mark Twain
160. “Life is worth living as long as there's a laugh in it.” ― Lucy Maud Montgomery
161. “Hey, Rosalie? Do you know how to drown a blonde? Stick a mirror to the bottom of a pool.” ― Stephenie Meyer
162. “French name, English accent, American school. Anna confused.” ― Stephanie Perkins
163. “Just because you're beautiful and perfect, it's made you conceited” ― William Goldman
164. “I am not absentminded. It is the presence of mind that makes me unaware of everything else.” ― G.K. Chesterton
165. “She'd also called me brave...unless she was talking to the catfish” ― Rick Riordan
166. “I think I've discovered the secret of life -- you just hang around until you get used to it.” ― Charles Schultz
167. “Half of seeming clever is keeping your mouth shut at the right times” ― Patrick Rothfuss
168. “So what? All writers are lunatics!” ― Cornelia Funke, Inkspell
169. “A literary academic can no more pass a bookstore than an alcoholic can pass a bar.” ― Amanda Cross
170. “Humor is almost always anger with its make-up on.” ― Stephen King
171. “Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.” ― Garrison Keillor
172. “The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.” ― Lily Tomlin
173. “Life sucks, and then you die...” ― Stephenie Meyer
174. “Y'all smoke to enjoy it. I smoke to die.” ― John Green
175. “I don't do what I'm told, but I might do what you want if you ask me nicely.” ― Cassandra Clare
176. “What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course” ― Marilyn Monroe
177. “You are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world!” ― James Dashner
178. “Oh no. Don't smile. You'll kill me. I stop breathing when you smile.” ― Tessa Dare
179. “Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.” ― Dorothy Parker
180. “Sometimes you just have to pee in the sink.” ― Charles Bukowski
181. “Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto.” ― David Sedaris
182. “The covers of this book are too far apart.” ― Ambrose Bierce
183. “I really can't think about kissing when I've got a rebellion to incite” ― Suzanne Collins
184. “I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.” ― Mark Twain
185. “In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.” ― Benjamin Franklin
186. “In politics, stupidity is not a handicap.” ― Napoleon Bonaparte
187. “Let's carpe the hell out of this diem.” ― Alexandra Bracken
188. “I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” ― Steve Martin
189. “Ask me if I sparkle and I’ll kill you where you stand.” (Bones)” ― Jeaniene Frost
190. “You've got to get obsessed and stay obsessed.” ― John Irving
191. “You should eat a waffle! You can't be sad if you eat a waffle!” ― Lauren Myracle
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