190+ Best Humor Quotes Of Life Funny Moment True Love - Change Your Life !!!

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1. “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.” ― Albert Einstein

2. “So many books, so little time.” ― Frank Zappa

3. “You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough” ― Mae West

4. “Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.” ― Narcotics Anonymous

5. “The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.” ― Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey

6. “Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.” ― Groucho Marx, The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx

7. “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” ― Steve Martin

8. “Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.” - Mark Twain

9. “I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.” ― Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt

10. “Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.” ― Garrison Keillor

11. “Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.” ― Robert A. Heinlein

12. “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.” ― Charles M. Schulz

13. “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.” ― Jim Henson

14. “I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.” ― Woody Allen

15. “Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.” ― Paul Terry

16. “I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” ― Groucho Marx

17. “Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.” ― Charles Bukowski

18. “The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it” ― Terry Pratchett, Diggers

19. “Reality continues to ruin my life.” ― Bill Watterson, The Complete Calvin and Hobbes

20. “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” ― George Carlin

21. “Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.” ― Benjamin Franklin Wade

22. “I love mankind ... it's people I can't stand!!” ― Charles M. Schulz

23. “I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ” ― W.C. Fields

24. “Remember, we're madly in love, so it's all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.” ― Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games

25. “A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” ― Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

26. “It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.” ― Lewis Carroll

27. “Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.” ― Charles J. Sykes, Dumbing Down Our Kids: Why American Children Feel Good About Themselves But Can't Read, Write or Add

28. “Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you'll die of a misprint.” ― Markus Herz

29. “Have you ever noticed how ‘What the hell’ is always the right decision to make?” ― Terry Johnson, Insignificance

30. “Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like.” ― Lemony Snicket

31. “Creativity is knowing how to hide your sources” - C.E.M. Joad

32. “The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you.” ― Rita Mae Brown

33. “Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.” ― Terry Pratchett, Jingo

34. “All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.” ― Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters


35. “This life’s hard, but it’s harder if you’re stupid.” ― George V. Higgins, The Friends of Eddie Coyle

36. “Never memorize something that you can look up.” ― Albert Einstein

37. “He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo.” ― J.K. Rowling,

38. “When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.” ― Albert Einstein

39. “There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.” ― Oscar Levant

40. “Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.” ― Thomas Szasz

41. “The planet is fine. The people are fucked.” ― George Carlin

42. “If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”― Laurence J. Peter

43. “I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” ― Jerome K. Jerome

44. “I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” ― Mark Twain

45. “Where is human nature so weak as in the bookstore?” ― Henry Ward Beecherr

46. “If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.” ― W.C. Fields


47. “Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.” ― Isaac Asimov, Foundation

48. “I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.” ― Mae West

49. “I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.” ― Mark Twain

50. “Happiness is a warm puppy.” ― Charles M. Schulz

51. “Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.” ― Dr. Seuss

52. “I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.” ― Woody Allen


53. “It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.” ― Terry Pratchett, The Last Continent

54. “I have great faith in fools - self-confidence my friends will call it.” ― Edgar Allan Poe, Marginalia

55. “Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.” ― Terry Pratchett

56. “I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.” ― Oscar Wilde

57. “Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.” ― Anthony G. Oettinger

58. “Deadlines just aren't real to me until I'm staring one in the face.” ― Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief

59. “My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.” ― Winston S. Churchill

60. “I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.” ― Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest

61. “My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.” ― Winston S. Churchill

62. “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” ― George Burns

63. “There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.” ― Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol

64. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” ― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

65. “Some people have lives; some people have music.” ― John Green, Will Grayson, Will Grayson

66. “Tell the truth, or someone will tell it for you.” ― Stephanie Klein, Straight Up and Dirty

67. “I suppose I'll have to add the force of gravity to my list of enemies.” ― Lemony Snicket, The Penultimate Peril

68. “Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!” ― Dr. Seuss

69. “Only a true best friend can protect you from your immortal enemies.” ― Richelle Mead, Vampire Academy

70. “I’d said it before and meant it: Alive or undead, the love of my life was a badass.”

― Richelle Mead, Blood Promise

71. “Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.” ― Steven Wright

72. “What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.” ― Mark Twain

73. “Basically, I have two speeds.... Hostile or smart-aleck. Your choice.” ― James Patterson, Saving the World and Other Extreme Sports

74. “Don't Panic.” ― Douglas Adams

75. “History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.” ― Winston S. Churchill

76. “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.” ― George Carlin

77. “Do your thing and don't care if they like it.” ― Tina Fey, Bossypants

78. “It is a great thing to start life with a small number of really good books which are your very own.” ― Arthur Conan Doyle

79. “Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.” ― Terry Pratchett, Small Gods

80. “Oh well... I'd just been thinking, if you had died, you'd have been welcome to share my toilet.” ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

81. “Say 'provoking' again. Your mouth looks provocative when you do.” ― Becca Fitzpatrick, Hush, Hush

82. “Don't feel bad, I'm usually about to die.” ― Rick Riordan, The Battle of the Labyrinth

83. “If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave.” ― Mo Willems, Goldilocks and the Three Dinosaurs

84. “I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.” ― Arthur C. Clarke

85. “I love you like a fat kid loves cake!” ― Scott Adams

86. “You here to finish me off, Sweetheart?” ― Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games

87. “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” ― George Carlin

88. “The meek may inherit the earth, but at the moment it belongs to the conceited. Like me.” ― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

89. “Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.” ― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

90. “It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets.” ― Voltaire

91. “Some people say, “Never let them see you cry.” I say, if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone.” ― Tina Fey, Bossypants

92. “Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice.” ― Bill Watterson

93. “I'm tough, I'm ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay.” ― Madonna

94. “From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.” ― Groucho Marx

95. “Of all the trees we could've hit, we had to get one that hits back.” ― J.K. Rowling

96. “The capacity for friendship is God's way of apologizing for our families.” ― Jay McInerney, The Last of the Savages

97. “Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” ― Will Rogers

98. “Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?” ― Douglas Adams

99. “Every now and then I like to do as I'm told, just to confuse people.” ― Tamora Pierce, Melting Stones

100. “Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.” ― Dorothy Parker

101. “Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.” ― Dr. Seuss

102. “May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.” ― George Carlin

103. “The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.” ― Bette Midler

104. “Yes, frosting. The final defense of the dying.” ― Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games

105. “There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.” ― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

106. “Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom.” ― Terry Pratchett

107. “In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.” ― Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies

108. “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.” ― George Carlin

109. “Confidence is ignorance. If you're feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know.” ― Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl

110. “Beautiful face. Beautiful body. Horrible attitude. It was the holy trinity of hot boys.” ― Jennifer L. Armentrout, Obsidian

111. “What's the good of living if you don't try a few things?” ― Charles M. Schulz

112. “If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.” ― Dorothy Parker

113. “From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere!” ― Dr. Seuss

114. “I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.” ― Mae West

115. “You're an idiot." "I've never claimed to be otherwise.” ― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

116. “Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.” ― Robert Frost

117. “Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.” ― George Bernard Shaw

118. “Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch.” ― Orson Welles

119. “I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.” ― Oscar Wilde

120. “A diary with no drawings of me in it? Where are the torrid fantasies? The romance covers?” ― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

121. “I meant what I said and I said what I meant. An elephant's faithful one-hundred percent!” ― Dr. Seuss, Horton Hatches the Egg

122. “The longer and more carefully we look at a funny story, the sadder it becomes.” ― Nikolai V. Gogol

123. “Black holes are where God divided by zero.” ― Albert Einstein

124. “It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.” ― Rick Riordan, The Last Olympian

125. “Some people have a way with words, and other people...oh, uh, not have way.” ― Steve Martin

126. “A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.” ― Phyllis Diller

127. “My rapier wit hides my inner pain.” ― Cassandra Clare

128. “I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.” ― Mark Twain

129. “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” ― Charles Lamb

130. “Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with.” ― Candace Bushnell, Sex and the City

131. “Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.” ― Woody Allen

132. “It crosses my mind that Cinna's calm and normal demeanor masks a complete madman.” ― Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games

133. “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?” ― George Carlin

134. “People, generally, suck.” ― Christopher Moore

135. “See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” ― Robin Williams

136. “If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster.” ― Isaac Asimov

137. “I figured something out. The future is unpredictable.” ― John Green

138. “All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure. ” ― Mark Twain

139. “If you love something set it free, but don't be surprised if it comes back with herpes.”― Chuck Palahniuk

140. “I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.” ― Mae West

141. “I know all those words, but that sentence makes no sense to me.” ― Matt Groening

142. “It's like learning to ride a unicorn. You never forget.” ― Eoin Colfer

143. “Puns are the highest form of literature.” ― Alfred Hitchcock

144. “Write what you know. That should leave you with a lot of free time.” ― Howard Nemerov

145. “The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.” ― Groucho Marx

146. “The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.” ― H.L. Mencken

147. “There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends.” ― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

148. “Meow” means “woof” in cat.” ― George Carlin

149. “I like men who have a future and women who have a past.” ― Oscar Wilde

150. “The world is a stage and the play is badly cast.” ― Oscar Wilde

151. “Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.” ― George Carlin

152. “As long as there was coffee in the world, how bad could things be?” ― Cassandra Clare

153. “They slipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never recovered.” ― F. Scott Fitzgerald

154. “As long as we don't die, this is gonna be one hell of a story.” ― John Green, Paper Towns

155. “Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.” ― Robert Benchley

156. “That wasn't any act of God. That was an act of pure human fuckery.” ― Stephen King, The Stand

157. “People have an annoying habit of remembering things they shouldn't.” ― Christopher Paolini, Eragon

158. “You live but once; you might as well be amusing.” ― Coco Chanel

159. “A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.” ― Mark Twain

160. “Life is worth living as long as there's a laugh in it.” ― Lucy Maud Montgomery

161. “Hey, Rosalie? Do you know how to drown a blonde? Stick a mirror to the bottom of a pool.” ― Stephenie Meyer

162. “French name, English accent, American school. Anna confused.” ― Stephanie Perkins

163. “Just because you're beautiful and perfect, it's made you conceited” ― William Goldman

164. “I am not absentminded. It is the presence of mind that makes me unaware of everything else.” ― G.K. Chesterton

165. “She'd also called me brave...unless she was talking to the catfish” ― Rick Riordan

166. “I think I've discovered the secret of life -- you just hang around until you get used to it.” ― Charles Schultz

167. “Half of seeming clever is keeping your mouth shut at the right times” ― Patrick Rothfuss

168. “So what? All writers are lunatics!” ― Cornelia Funke, Inkspell

169. “A literary academic can no more pass a bookstore than an alcoholic can pass a bar.” ― Amanda Cross

170. “Humor is almost always anger with its make-up on.” ― Stephen King

171. “Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.” ― Garrison Keillor

172. “The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.” ― Lily Tomlin

173. “Life sucks, and then you die...” ― Stephenie Meyer

174. “Y'all smoke to enjoy it. I smoke to die.” ― John Green

175. “I don't do what I'm told, but I might do what you want if you ask me nicely.” ― Cassandra Clare

176. “What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course” ― Marilyn Monroe

177. “You are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world!” ― James Dashner

178. “Oh no. Don't smile. You'll kill me. I stop breathing when you smile.” ― Tessa Dare

179. “Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.” ― Dorothy Parker

180. “Sometimes you just have to pee in the sink.” ― Charles Bukowski

181. “Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto.” ― David Sedaris

182. “The covers of this book are too far apart.” ― Ambrose Bierce

183. “I really can't think about kissing when I've got a rebellion to incite” ― Suzanne Collins

184. “I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.” ― Mark Twain

185. “In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.” ― Benjamin Franklin

186. “In politics, stupidity is not a handicap.” ― Napoleon Bonaparte

187. “Let's carpe the hell out of this diem.” ― Alexandra Bracken

188. “I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” ― Steve Martin

189. “Ask me if I sparkle and I’ll kill you where you stand.” (Bones)” ― Jeaniene Frost

190. “You've got to get obsessed and stay obsessed.” ― John Irving

191. “You should eat a waffle! You can't be sad if you eat a waffle!” ― Lauren Myracle

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